Depression

I got information last night that my husband’s step father had died. I feel so afraid, he had also cancer and was treated in 2011. He recovered but lately on his routine check-up his kidney couldn’t accept the contrast anymore. There have been complications that the doctors just couldn’t do anything anymore and just gave up.

I know he was so much older than I, he should have been 79 this year, but I still think that there’s no guarantee that I will live longer, I’m afraid and having hard times most of the time. I don’t want to leave my family yet but I am trying to prepare them if I do. Why do we have to die? And why me? I have a lot of things to live for.

Not so long ago, 3 of my near relatives in the Philippines just died, one of them of just cancer. I feel so depress and I am always thinking of death. Crying all the time, it seems like I lost the joy of life. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing anything, I don’t even wash myself, only if I have to. I don’t feel like meeting people because I feel that people are just laughing and talking behind my back. I don’t know, this is not right I know but I couldn’t help. I must think possitively right now but how to do that is the provlem. I just feel I need some professional help to fully recover. 

Published by queenkeandra

I am a swedish citizen with asian origin, lives in Sweden, entrepreneur, accountant, fashion designer, dressmaker, professional interpreter and translator and from year 2014, I also became a local politician with some assignments from the local government. I moved to Sweden after marriage with a Swedish national in 1986. Two years later we got a son followed by a daughter after 21 months. Satisfied with life in fact, I guess I got all I wished for, it feels I have everything. Being married is not just a bed of roses, the roses have thorns also and you can get it at times but we’ve always been doing pretty good. Kinder and better husband I do not think I can get, everyone has their flaws and life becomes easier if you can accept them. I’m not a perfect person either. I became a grandmother quite young, only 45 years old, was a little skeptical at first but then I loved to be one. Now I am already a grandmother of two, a boy and a girl of 20 months between them, such a great feeling, it feels like it was a replay of my life. When I have both of them at home, it feels like I was young again and is the mother of small children. I can not explain but so damn good it is. When I moved to Sweden I knew nothing about the country, but now it feels like I’ve always lived here. I speak Swedish better than my native language, better in Swedish grammar than my husband, it may sound strange but it’s true. I dream even in Swedish. I hang out with many Swedes, have worked and still working in Swedish companies. I go to the Swedish church though I am a Roman Catholic. We believe in the same God anyway. I’ve adapted pretty well in Swedish society. I think I have to adjust to that country I moved to, not the country or its citizens to adapt to me. Sweden has no responsibility whatsoever that I wanted to move here so I could not demand anything else, but now a citizen, I think I have the right as any other native Swedes. I pay taxes and do my duties as a citizen. I think I am a good role model and a loyal citizen and can fight for my new country.

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